Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
