Those Words shared by My Father Which Helped Me when I became a New Parent

"I think I was merely in survival mode for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

Yet the truth rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You require support. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles dads face.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who often absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - spending a few days overseas, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he had to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I feel like my job is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."